It was October… 2015… The name Loki was all around me at festival. As was the sense that Loki was not appreciated by most… that he wasn’t to be trusted… and certainly not sought out.
Thursday night, while hula hooping in ritual circle, my grip seemed to be slipping more than usual resulting in my hoop rolling away. I chased it, beginning my dance again. The second or third time this happened, “Dammit, Loki!” was out of my mouth before I realized I was speaking.
“WHAT?! LOKI?!” A quizzical expression… a shrug… I ran after my hoop… and returned to my dance. That dance turned into an experience with Freyja. I was confused and not confused by my outburst towards Loki.
Festival ended. Months passed. I began experiencing occasional trances with visitations / conversations with various Norse deities. Then, 19 June 2016… Loki showed up. I recognized Loki immediately… Their name filling my mind… pausing, almost asking if I’d listen. I had an opportunity to dismiss Them.
Instead, I choose to listen.
Echoes in my mind. No visuals, just words. They spoke of self-denial, self-acceptance, the divine spark, me carrying a piece of Their energy. Emotionally, I was in a rough place when this conversation began. Struggling with my sexuality, my desire, and my expression of passion.
Looking back, it isn’t surprising Loki choose to initiate conversation at that moment.
The advice I received felt comfortable, it felt right. It all made sense. Memories and feelings surfaced moving through me like a video playing in fast forward. I remembered expressing my frustration in middle/high school with feeling like a constant contradiction. Feeling like I never quite fit in with others. Thinking that for a girl… I sure did act like a boy. Reflecting on my ability to solve problems… though often making things more difficult than necessary.
According to Loki, accept Loki… and I accept myself. As the conversation ended… I felt both certain of doing so… and highly doubtful. I may have even argued back a bit, questioning… “But… you are a trickster… how do I trust you?!?!” At the same time, admitting that this was a connection I felt good about.
But… isn’t that how the Devil do? Doesn’t listening to the Devil seem like a good idea at the time?
Fear enveloped me. It took quite some time to realize this fear was rooted in beliefs influenced by Christianity. I hadn’t been raised going to church every Sunday, none-the-less I certainly picked up the dichotomy of good and evil, black and white, right and wrong. Somewhere deep, buried in my subconscious, was the idea that listening to Loki… meant I was listening to THE DEVIL.
While this binary world didn’t seem right, I felt if I didn’t fall in line – maybe, I WAS EVIL, TOO. A belief that stayed with me… subconsciously informing my reluctance to accept my spiritual “father”.
I struggled and wrestled with my relationship with Loki.
Although, I have been surrounded by people who accepted Loki is the primary deity in my spiritual landscape… I tried to hide from this knowledge. I allowed and created space for Loki to be hailed at our rituals. I researched and read other’s experiences of Them. I completed a ritual or two honoring Them. I interacted with him while not quite accepting him.
It was like a relationship where one person is afraid to be seen in public with the other, so they meet in secret.
Loki, isn’t one to be silenced or be kept as a “dirty little secret”. As I began serving as a Council Member of The Witches’ Realm (a Keeping Her Keys Facebook group), I found myself responding to posts about Loki… sharing that They are my “patron” a term that never quite felt right but managed to get the point across.
Now, three years after They set out to explain the importance of my acceptance… I’m being prodded to share this tale… to share my fears… my experiences. Admitting and accepting the mantle of Follower of Loki, Child of Loki (mayhaps even Priestess of Loki) publicly, still leaves me wondering about my sanity from time to time.
Following Loki… Listening to Loki… in my experience brings the dismantling of beliefs which hold one back. Walking with Loki is a journey towards fulfilling dreams… doing what makes my soul sing. It’s learning to use my voice again… after being silent for so long.